Junk Mail

In this mercenary and egotistical world, the people behind junk mail seem to be the only selfless people that really care for your health and well being They are concerned about you getting older, about your need for a pair for a new glasses and about you getting hard of hearing. They don’t want you to be too rheumatic to dial their toll- free numbers. They are worried to death that you may die without being cared for with the fabulous funeral you deserve.

Imagine those people agonizing over your problems while you read a newspaper, sitting comfortably in a chair with your precious junk mail lying about your feet like a faithful dog.

Have you ever given a thought that it is only junk mail, which gives people the opportunity to see their names in print along with enormous amounts of money? MR.PAUPER, YOU HAVE WON ONE MILLION DOLLARS!


It is like daydreaming. The only difference is that somebody else does it for you. Isn’t it fantastic that they dream for you and keep you informed? They keep sending you the mail even if they don’t know your name warmly addressing you as “friends,” “neighbors.” For all practical purposes, this kind of abstract mail is as good as the mail bearing your name; you can use the coupons, order your pants or panties and get your free copy of the magazine. Once you respond you will have the joy of seeing your cherished name on the next mail.

Shouldn’t we be thankful for the services this mail provides lonely people for free? Seniors spend many joyful hours browsing sale advertisements, cutting coupons and storing them in a safe, handy place. Unfortunately, they can never find them when they need them, but that does not take the fun out of collecting them, and even it seems that they always find the pile of coupons once the dates are expired, there is consolation in the knowledge that the latest mail has just arrived with more tempting coupons than ever.

The only disadvantage to the junk mail I can think of is its disposal. It is so hard to throw away big beautiful stationary, bearing your name and the amount you just won with uncountable zeroes. They just scream to be framed. The first birthday card of the year always seems to come to you from somebody you don’t really care about, mostly from insurance people, but it gives you a good feeling and helps to remind other members of the family and friends of your birthday. The beautiful catalogues you get for things you do not need are not any easier to throw away.

Don’t forget the credit cards, you get without asking. They are such beauties to look at and so tempting to use. Did you hear about a three years -old girl who got a credit card in the mail? First she received an application that her parents filled out for fun, giving her occupation as pre-school. To their surprise and amusement the card came with her name on it. I saw her on television in the news, playing with her credit card in a toy supermarket.

I am not a statistical maniac, but I read with amusement some statistics gathered by experts. Still I was not thrilled to know that a person spends about thirty years of his/her life in sleep, seven years in the bathroom and seven months of invaluable time in just opening the junk mail.

The last statistics on junk mail gave me an idea, realizing no one would want to throw seven precious months to the winds! Somebody could provide professional help to those who do not have time to handle their junk mail. The service could be called JMMS, that is Junk Mail Management Service. The slogan could be, “Maybe Your Maybe Money can Change into Real Money through JMMS. We would take care of all the ‘almost win’ things such as luxury cars, fabulous cruises and the “maybe money,” all for only a nominal fee. We will put stickers in their proper places and mail the documents in time. You will soon be hearing (reading) more from us in the mail. For more information just pickup the phone and dial now. 1-800- LOV- JUNK.”

There could also be a game show on television like “Junk mail Millionaire” in which the contestants win huge prizes. The questions asked would be very legitimate, based on facts and supported by statistics. For example, if for one person’s junk mail two trees are destroyed, and the total number of trees thus cut down is one million trees---- tell us whether the duration in which the trees are consumed is one year, ten years, a lifetime or one hour?

Celebrities can even win mediocre sums for their charities in this program and help spread the good work junk mail is doing.

And not to miss the ever-faster growth through computers JMMS would have a web site of their own, www.jmsjunkmail.com and add to the thousands already sending junk mail via computers.

    Copyright © 2004 Razia Fasih Ahmad